As cited in my last blog post I've recently been thinking a great deal about community and in particular the bitter fruit of loneliness and isolation which seem to thrive off of the one side of the tree where the light of community has yet to really shine. Little sunlight = little growth. I speak in first person.
This subject gave me its first glare and demanded my attention when I returned from a 6 week stint away from home during which time my already tiny relational tree had been gravely under-watered and malnourished. I returned with hopes of tapping into the same sources of replenishment, the same few friendships I had counted on...only to discover that time brings change and change can make for a difficult transition. But before you break out the violin...there's something you should know.
Unlike previous encounters with isolation I unexpectedly turned outward instead of inward, a move so unnatural for me that I am certain only grace is responsible for it. In an almost effortless manner I began to reach out, seeking opportunities to understand and learn about others and give my own life away. Reaching outward is something I had never been able to do with much success in my 30 something years of life as an introvert but quite honestly I became convicted. I thought about how easy it is to fall into relational consumerism...to enter into a community with a subconscious expectation that your needs are the priority. I remembered this scripture:
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25
How easily we forget this! We can become so engrossed in so many worthy causes we forget that life is about relationship. While we may be afforded one or two extremely close and loyal relationships in our life-time, God calls us to love others...not just those we easily connect with or those accepted in our social cliques. Life is about relationship. Our relationship with our Creator foremost, who is our ultimate source, and then with one another. When God puts the last period at the end of the sentence that is my life I would've failed if I was remembered for much else than the love I had for Him and others.
I find it interesting that the most painful "heart surgeries" in my life have also been the most effective ways to be made well again. And for me, the beauty of accepting this process again involved pouring into some under-developed relationships. I found such a richness in these new stories, a richness that spilled over into my own life as a result. I felt well again.
I also came across one GIANT observation that I identified as the cardinal obstacle to my own intentionality in relationships. This came through multiple conversations with others and was further wrestled down in my own reckoning room. My giant observation was this:
Assumption is one of the arch enemies of community.
By definition assumption is: A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
I observed that good relationships give little to no room for poor assumption.
Consider this: If I assume that you are too busy to do life with me, are disinterested in my life or put plainly, do not like me, I do you a disservice. In assuming the worst, I have taken away your power of choice by simply not allowing you to make the decision, to engage or not, for yourself.
This observation resounded in my conversations with others. I talked with people from different demographics....a working Mom, a working husband & father, a single person working full-time, a stay at home Mom of 3 and the list goes on. So consider the busy stay at home Mom as an example. One might assume she is tapped out after a full day of facing the general stress of parenthood. There are many days when this is unquestionably true but what of the days when she is starved for adult conversation...when she's discouraged by her performance in her calling or when she feels detached from the outside world around her? Again and again we discover that loneliness is a condition of the heart. While certain outside factors can contribute to isolation we also know a person can be surrounded by the noise of life and still be only painfully attuned to their own private heart ache.
There's one question that is seldom asked in casual conversation. How's your heart? How are you really doing? This is where it starts...but many an answer must be earned. Each of us may not have the means to accommodate a dinner appointment or a scheduled conversation over coffee but relationship is still built over a quantity of quality time...somehow. Yet how difficult we find it to even begin with asking someone HOW they are really doing with the expectation of an authentic answer? We can't force a sincere answer out of someone but we can provide an opportunity for an authentic exchange...we can provide an opportunity for a real beginning.
So many of us are slaves to daily life and the work at hand whether meetings, deadlines, to-do lists etc...all necessary things in a world where we are either laboring for a cause and a calling or toiling to simply earn our keep. But what about the priority of authentic community? How do we foster good solid authentic relationships? Is this not part of our calling as well? Maybe its as simple as just showing up...as simple as caring enough about another person to make no assumptions that would hinder a possible opportunity to connect in a genuine way. Yes - reaching out carries a risk, but so does isolation.
I love that God can turn loneliness into opportunity. I love that even a withered vine can find life again when given the proper care. I love that recently I've found more care in giving than receiving...a lesson relearned in due season.
I hope this post inspires you to accept that someone else needs what you have to offer...that you are NEVER alone because of your belongingness to Him...that He is still able to redeem all we think cannot be redeemed and that maybe even sometimes He displays His redemption as we walk in community with one another.
Traveling mercies as you follow His lead...
tg
Drawing, Black chalk, washed
Paris: March - May, 1886
Amsterdam, The Netherlands, Europe
F: 1380r, JH: 1019
